I have lots to catch up on and promise great fun for all! Blog with you soon — and in the meantime I hope we can all gain insight from two schools of thought regarding New Year’s Resolutions (provided in video form for your convenience, as always).

For those who KNOW they cannot keep those resolutions:

And those more optimistic on their willpower:

And New Year Firework show for those who missed them. Very cool indeed, especially the Big Ben ringing which sounds just like AC/DC’s Hell’s Bells:

Sporting a pony tail and short-sleeved drab-green blouse, the somewhat less-blonde heiress smiled for the pack of photographers waiting outside the jail and ran to hug her mother Kathy Hilton, who was waiting in a car with her father Rick.

The last time she had been seen on June 8, Hilton was weeping and wailing as she was dragged back to jail after a judge overruled a sheriff’s decision to free her for unspecified medical reasons after just three days.

Her departure today was a much more jubilaint affair. She served just 23 days of a 45-day sentence at the spartan Century Regional Detention Facility in the Los Angeles suburb of Lynwood.

Television helicopters pursued the cavalcade accompanying her as the car took to the highway shortly after the midnight release. It was unclear where she would spend her first night of freedom. Hilton’s parents were reported to have planned a lavish coming-out party in Las Vegas, Fox News said. But reports Monday quoted family and friends as saying that a “quiet gathering” was planned.

The Los Angeles Times reported that neighbours at Hilton’s parental home in the Hollywood Hills had distributed leaflets protesting the party girl’s presence in their midst.

She is now due to complete her probation in March 2009 if she stays out of trouble.

During her time in jail Hilton said in a telephone interview with a television journalist that the sentence was a message from God to change her party-loving lifestyle and become a positive role model for women.

“I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here,” she said. “I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.”

She said she was considering pursuing work to raise awareness about breast cancer or multiple sclerosis.

“Paris is doing really well, she is really looking forward to going home, and she thanks you in the press who supported her,” a spokeswoman for the Hilton family said ahead of her release.

“She wants to be with the family and she can’t wait to take that orange suit off.”

Her first post-prison interview will be held with veteran CNN anchor Larry King on Wednesday. The network and a spokesman for Hilton said the celebrity would not receive payment for the interview.

In a statement released through her publicist, Hilton said she was pleased to go on the show, “to discuss my experience in jail, what I have learned, how I have grown.

More from the Paris Hilton Liberation Collection (click for larger images):

Paris Hilton is getting put through the ringer in front of all of us. It kind of feels like the TV equivalent of watching your bratty sister getting her first spanking after you got it over and over for smaller infractions — or in my case, being wrongly accused (I’m stickin’ to it).

And it now looks like Paris will actually be put back in jail for her entire 45-day sentence. And while I will wait out the next few days before my final conclusion, this kind of smells like…like…justice.

I do feel that with all the flip-flopping the LA Justice System essentially pulled a Darth Vadar — see the Star Wars scene below for a visual (~1 min):

On hearing her new sentence — the result of her violation of the probation of a reckless driving arrest — the violently weeping Hilton shouted “It’s not right!” and called out “Mom!” as she was taken away. Guess what, I don’t think “Mom” can’t help you on this one; she is about 25-years too late on that. So now Paris Hilton gets to experience what the other 99% experience. And it ain’t that pretty.

At this point, what Paris should do is what she originally did: feign the willingness to do her time the right way. While we surely can’t expect any significant personal growth, a little taste of the non-300 thread count Egyptian sheet life can do everyone some good.

But in the long-run, sucking it up (so to speak) will buy her more goodwill than any money could. So with that in mind Paris, I recommend that you be selective in following the path in this video, “Paris Hilton Goes Back to Jail”:

Buy Your Supplemental Story Aids for Enhanced Enjoyment!

And for the Paris lover in you, the obligatory Paris Hilton Gallery!

According to the website TMZ.com, Paris Hilton is being fitted for an ankle bracelet (apparently non-diamond) to enforce her new reassignment to house arrest. Authorities decided to release Hilton from jail due to medical reasons, this according to Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson, Steve Whitmore.

Reporters repeated tried to get more information regarding Paris’ medical condition during a press conference held in front of the jail where she was released early this morning. But spokesperson Whitmore said that due to confidentiality laws he could not discuss even the slightest health-related details. Apparently it did not have anything to do with the sleeping mask her mother was planning to give her to help her get in the mood sleep while in prison.

Paris will be under house confinement in her West Hollywood home for 40 days, where she will only have a 3000-4000 ft. radius of freedom. Her jail cell was 96 square feet so according to the philospeak.com accounting department, that is a measly increase of ~3900%. After the 40 days are up, Whitmore says she will have “fulfilled her debt to society.” Ummm….that sounds about right, LMAO!

Whitmore made it clear that Paris was not released early — she was reassigned, kind of like Milton Waddams move to the storage room in Office Space, only in reverse. She is technically still in custody.

Fortunately for the readers of philospeak.com, we were first on the scene to acquire new images of Paris Hilton under house arrest. Now That’s Hot!

View Available Posters & Pictures of Paris Hilton

Roseanne

As some of you may have seen, this last Friday — June 1, 2007 — was a day that will live in baseball infamy. Phillip Wellman, the manager of the Mississippi Braves (a minor league baseball team), went on a major tirade after being ejected from Friday night’s game.

The Wellman Show started after one ball in the bottom of the third. He burst out of the third-base dugout, flunge his hat and proceeded to get right in the face of homeplate umpire Brent Rice. And while the Braves are a minor league team, this was no minor league rant.

After having his say in a nose-to-nose conversation with the homeplate umpire, Wellman moved on to homeplate and started kicking dirt on it. Unsatisfied with his work, he then dropped to the ground, scooped a mound of dirt onto the plate and outlined a new, bigger home plate in the dirt!

Then giving his goodbyes to the homeplate ump, Wellman walked down to third base and gave the third base ump, Rusty Barrett, a good talking to before kicking and ripping the base from the ground. He continued his performance by marching towards second base, when in a moment of brilliance tossed third base into center field.

That looked like it could be the end. And many would have been satisfied. But fortunately for us Wellman was unrelenting.

In a truly spectacular encore performance, Wellman began crawling from mid-infield to the pitchers mound (around 1:12 in the video). Once there on his hands and knees, Wellman took the pitchers’ rosin bag and lopped it toward the homeplate ump as if it were a grenade.

After a poof of rosin rose around the home umpires feet, Wellman went back to second base, pulled it from the ground, grabbed third base from the outfield and headed toward the clubhouse at the back of the stadium.

Before concluding the festivities for the night, Wellman waved to the crowd before leaving.

A few thoughts come to mind, but the first was that Major League Baseball needs a few more good men like this! Wait, I’m a Chicagoan – we already have two: Chicago Cubs manager Lou Pinellia and Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillan. Anyway, I’m still all for bring him up to the Majors!

Need More Baseball (or perhaps grenade paraphernalia). Check these out!

Kobayashi is a true phenom. In his rookie appearance on July 4, 2001 — weighing in at a mere 110 pounds — he ate 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes at the Nathan’s Coney Island hot dog-eating contest, nearly doubling the previous record of 25⅛.

Since that astonishing feat he has been untouchable, dominating the sport with his trademark super-skills: most notably the Kobayashi Shake, which he uses to force food down his esophagus and the groundbreaking Solomon method, splitting the frankfurter in half, swallowing both parts at once, and then dipping the buns in water and stuffing it in his mouth.

See Master Kobayashi’s Record Setting Performance Last Year!

But how quickly the tide can turn.

Until last year, no other gurgitator ever came within 12 hot dogs of Kobaayashi’s total in a competition. But the recent emergence of 23-year-old Joey “Jaws” Chestnut of San Jose in 2006 had finally brought in new blood willing and able to take on the eating King.

Chestnut had been putting in a number of impressive results. But in a truly inspired performance this weekend, the man known as “Jaws” shattered the record held by Takeru Kobayashi of Japan by downing 59½ “HDBs” — hot dogs and buns — during the Southwest Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship at the Arizona Mills Mall in suburban Tempe.

The result is truly a marvel: Chestnut swallowed Kobayashi’s record whole by a fully six HDBs!

Kobayashi’s old record of 53½ was set last year at Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, held at Coney Island in New York. In that event last year, Chestnut showed he was a threat, placing a very close second by consuming 52 hot dogs. Kobayashi has been the longest record-holding in competitive hot dog eating.

“These guys’ numbers have just been going up at a tremendous clip,” said Ryan Nerz, who works for Major League Eating, “I always thought there was a limit — a limit to the human stomach and a limit to human willpower — but I guess not.”

And the winning bounty: a free trip to New York, a year’s supply of hot dogs and a $250 gift card to the mall.

Got the Fever? Get Your Hot Dogs Products Here:

In the sketch we performed at the bi-annual school event, townspeople (from the Middle Ages) try to determine whether or no a woman is actually a witch by seeing if she floats on water (after all, wood floats on water). And despite the fact my line was actually only two words — “a duck” — I still hold a deep affection for all things Monty Python.

And while I am also a pretty solid SciFi fan, Star Wars was never at the top of my list although I enjoy it was well. But when some production genius put the two together, it is magic. It as good as chocolate and peanut butter!

So from the philospeak.com Video vaults, I present to you a well-down mashup of a famous scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where King Arthur (Graham Chapman) fights the Black Knight Darth Vadar!

Need More Monty Python? BUY THESE!

• Jamison Stone, 11, poses with a wild pig he killed near Delta, Alabama.

According to Jamison’s father (no relations to Spiderman publisher J. Jonah Jameson or adult film star Jenna Jameson):

The purpose of this hunt was to give Jamison the opportunity to challenge himself and with this challenge the opportunity to overcome fear and accomplish something that would not be easily done.

“As he is becoming a young man, I wanted to see if the stuff I had been given him over the years would be the right stuff and if he had enough of it to rise to this and other challenges that life would surely have in store.” Because remember, shooting a feral pig with a pistol is a lesson that can be applied to many different challenges in life!

• Just to be clear: Jenna Jameson and J. Jonah Jameson are NOT relatives.

“I am not trying to raise another child I am trying to raise a Champion,” and as we all know: giant bacon strips in the morning is the Breakfast of Champions!

“It feels really good,” Christian schoolboy Jamison, of Pickensville, said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. “It’s a good accomplishment. I probably won’t ever kill anything else that big.”

Pending confirmation, Jamison Stone’s trophy boar would be bigger than Hogzilla, the famed wild hog that grew to seemingly mythical proportions after being killed in south Georgia in 2004.

Next up for Jamison: a bit part in The Legend of Hogzilla movie and a hunt of the legendary Big Foot – with a blow-gun!

Need Your Fulfill Your Boarish Hunger? Buy These!

Unlike some other female phenoms with sex appeal, like Anna Kournikova, Patrick seems focused and actively trying to win. But in the meantime, Danica has been able to parlay her long, dark hair and cute face into popular culture lore: including recently being named sexiest athlete in a “what is sexy” list compiled by the underwear retailer Victoria’s Secret.

No doubt eyes will be on her as she takes to the track at the Indy 500, the highlight of the US racing year. This tough woman from Cheeseheadland (aka: Wisconsin) has something to prove, having made a solid fourth-placed debut two years ago, although she had no impact in last year’s race.

The stars do appear in alignment: she has been driving well all season and started eighth at the track in Indianapolis. And that gives her a real chance at the grand prize. “I’m faster now,” Patrick says. “I’ve got teammates I can look to for answers and setups and fun.” (Her teammates, from Andretti Green Racing, include the legendary Mario Andretti and his sons Michael and Marco.) “So it’s a much, much better situation now. Much more comfortable. Much more support.”

Off the track, though, is a different matter. She has been accused of everything from enjoying an unfair advantage because of her slight frame and low body weight to using her feminine wiles to enjoy privileges denied to more talented male drivers. “I don’t think it’s a sport for women, and so far, it’s proved out,” former Nascar driver Richard Petty said last year. “It’s good for them to come in. It gives us a lot of publicity; it gives them publicity. But as far as being a real true racer, making a living out of it, it’s kind of tough.”

Two years ago, driver Jenson Button dismissed her chances of making it in Formula One, saying:

“A girl with big boobs would never be comfortable in the car. And the mechanics wouldn’t concentrate. Can you imagine strapping her in?”

Patrick, to her credit, has shrugged them all off. She grew up go-karting, thanks to the enthusiasm of her father, a former short-track racer, then got packed off to England as a teenager to pursue her passion in the Formula Ford and Formula Vauxhall circuits.

This year, Patrick is having the time of her life. She may not win in Indianapolis today but her friends and colleagues are confident that one way she will. “She’s right there,” Mario Andretti says of her. “She’s a force to be reckoned with.”

If you want more sensitive comments regarding Danica such as Button’s above, check out the SportsGoons.com piece written on Danica’s first Indy appearance in 2005.

Danica Patrick Images (click to enlarge in new window)